Black Christmas

[Author's Note: This was a story I wrote either as part of my Creative Writing class or else as part of my school's writing group, a product of the class. It's a black comedy about Christmas.]

“Season’s Greetings” said the Christmas card. It featured a painting involving a white mother sitting in a snow-covered barn, holding a white baby in her arms. Her white husband sat next to her, admiring the glow coming from the baby’s head. To the right of the barn gathered a flock of white shepherds. To the left stood three white men in fancy silk, holding a chest, an incense ball and some burial spices. Above the barn was a bright star, centered above an Aryan angel.

Matthew Waine held the card in his hand. He shook his head at it. “I never knew there were so many white folk in the Middle East,” he said to his preoccupied cat as he set up the Christmas card on his fireplace mantle, to show off all the Christmas cards he had received, in hopes of adding to the Christmas décor through no fault of his own. He stepped back to admire the card among the other. Staring back at him were a series of cards, all declaring “Season’s Greetings” with the same barn scene filled with the same white people. He clanked over at the cat and noticed that it was eating something shiny.

“What’s that, kitty?” he asked the apathetic feline.

Whatever it was, the cat swallowed it. His cat had a knack for eating strange things that happened to be lying around.

His phone rang. It was his mother. She was of the state of mind that Matthew had merely loosened the apron strings, and was living across town only to prove to himself that staying at home with the family for the rest of his life was definitely better than living a life free of her guiding hand. Sofia would understand that he was simply too busy appeasing mother to want to settle down with her.

“Matthew, I’m so glad I caught you,” she said.

“I had the day off,” he said. “Went to see the doctor about the headaches.”

“I just wanted to give you a holiday update. Little Teddy gave us his wish list, and we thought you could help us out. He wants a new videogame.”

Matthew rolled his eyes. Teddy had not stopped raving about this game since he first read about it in his gaming magazine. The premise involved shooting people, stealing things and mingling with women of ill repute. It was banned in several towns for being a horrible game, and a bad influence on the children.

“I’ll pick up a comy for Teddy,” he said to his mother.

“Oh, Matthew, you’re a saint.”

“How is Teddy handling the whole ‘There is no Santa Claus’ thing?” asked Matthew, knowing that Teddy was as old as he was when his parents had to break the horrible and sad news.

“We haven’t told him yet, Matthew, and don’t you go ruining Christmas for him.”

“Don’t worry, Mom, I won’t.”

“Well, I need to have the dog groomed for the family photo. They give a free pair of dog antlers this time of year. See you soon. I love you. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Mom.”

He decided he would go to the shopping mall to pick up the game. It would give him an excuse to see Sofia at her place of work. Before leaving, he hit up his stock webpage. Thanks to the holiday season, his wise investment in the department stores of A.L. Prestwich and Sons was making him a tidy little future. Every winter, they set up an elaborate polycultural holiday display that tended to make the shopping season all the more bearable. He guessed that between now and Christmas, the value of the stock would definitely rise. He dropped another thousand dollars into it.

He scratched the cat on the head before leaving for the Mall.

“I’ll be back in an hour,” he said to her. “Don’t eat anything important.” By this time, she had already begun playing with a bit of lint that fell off his coat. He grabbed his keys and made for the car.

The mall parking lot was somewhat busy. Several people were doing their holiday shopping. It was not quite the last-minute crowd; however, it was pretty bad. HE found a spot in the middle of the parking lot.

As he left his car, he noted the swarm of vehicles pressuring for closer spots. He noted too that the drivers were all grossly overweight. He looked past his car, deeper into the parking lot. There were plenty of open spaces. The extra walk would do them some good.

Walking to the mall, he passed a large grey puddle of slush and mud. An overweight driver zoomed past, thinking he saw an open spot. The wheel splashed in the puddle, coating Matthew with a fine mist of mud and filth. The open spot was, in all actuality, occupied by a red compact car. The driver scooted on in search of other spots adjacent to the mall. He eventually ended up parking in a spot designated for expectant mothers, believing himself to be justified in parking there, having the figure for it.

Matthew shook off the excess grime before entering the mall. He made a beeline to the video game store in search of Teddy’s video game.

“Do you have the game ‘White Collar Crimes’?” he asked the clerk at Turing’s, the game store.

“We just sold our last copy, sorry sir. You should have reserved a copy.”

“Do you know of anyone who might have it?”

“Sir, if I recommended a competitor, I could lose my job. It’s difficult enough for a big store to stay open in a mall. What would happen to a little store if all the clerks just recommended other stores?”

“What other video game stores are in this mall?”

“Game Depot and Electronics Shoppe (with an extra –pe at the end). To be brutally honest, they charge fairly less than Turing’s.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem. By the way, you’re covered in dirt.” He smiled as Matthew glared back. He left Turing’s and wandered towards the other video game stores. Neither of them had it, either. Defeated, he left the stores.

While walking from Electronics Shoppe (with an extra –pe at the end), he heard someone talk to him from behind.

“Psst, hey, you.” He turned to see an unshaven man wearing a trench coat. “Yeah, you. Need a copy of ‘White Collar Crimes’?”

Matthew considered this for a moment.

“Why?” he asked.

“‘Cause I have a copy, ready to sell.”

“How much?”

“One fifty.”

“What?”

“Or would you rather just wait until after Christmas to get it?”

Matthew considered this. Two years ago, he gave Teddy his Christmas gift on Boxing Day, because he was with Sofia the entire day before. Teddy threw a tantrum and accused Matthew of trying to ruin Christmas for him.

“One twenty-five?” Matthew suggested.

The guy considered this for a moment.

“Sure, whatever.”

Money and game changed hands.

“By the way, you’re covered in dirt.”

“I know.”

He stuck the game into one of the oversized pockets of his winter coat. The next stop on his agenda was Clarence’s of East Burbank, an overpriced and quasi-pornographic lingerie store. He shyly approached the counter and said to the clerk, who was leafing through a catalogue, “Um, hello. I’m looking for something for my girlfriend. She’s, oh, about your build, your height, just a bit thinner. She’s a whole lot prettier as well.”

She looked up.

“I was wondering if you could help me pick something out. Maybe model some stuff for me?”

She smiled. “Matthew, you know I don’t get a discount here, and I’m most certainly not allowed to do that, even for paying customers.”

“How are you, Sofia?”

“I’m good. This holiday season’s a bitch, though. I get lunch soon, wanna come with me?”

“Okay. At which fine eatery shall we partake in consuming our foodstuffs?”

“The food court. There’s a new place I’ve wanted to try called ‘The Passive Aggressive Pita.’ I’ll be ready to leave in five minutes.”

“Okay.”

“Oh, and Matthew, you’re covered in dirt.”

Sure enough, they ate lunch at the food court.

“Do you want to spend Christmas Eve together?”

“Sure.”

“Would you mind terribly visiting my family sometime the next day?”

“No, but I don’t want your mother to loudly guess my measurements at the dinner table, okay?”

“I’ll be sure to pass that word along.”

“I’ve gotta go, now. I’ll see you later. Okay?”

“Okay. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Matthew made his way back out to the parking lot. There he found his car, complete with three new door dings. ‘Tis the season. He would have Charlie at the auto shop take care of it after the New Year.

When he got home, he changed his clothes and wrapped the gifts he had purchased over the past week. For his father, the latest WWII drama. For his mother, the latest book involving chicken soup and souls. For his brother, the game. For his mother’s dog, Fluffy, he got a chew toy shaped like a porcupine. For his cat, Hume, an artificial mouse on the end of a bit of string.

Finally, for Sofia, his gift for her was special. He had been contemplating giving this to her for some time, and now he found everything to be perfect. It was a brilliant diamond nested on a white gold ring. Since he purchased it, he could not help but sneak a peek at it every time he passed the closed ring box.

He held the box in his hands. He had not looked at the ring all day. “Just one more peek,” he said aloud. He stopped. “No, I must wrap it. Then I can get some dinner and maybe catch a movie.” He gathered up the gifts and set them on his table. Hume leapt onto the table to investigate the packages. She sniffed the one for her thoroughly before being distracted by a bit of tinsel lying on the floor. She amused herself for the next hour by playing with the tinsel.

Matthew headed out to get some food, since his current supply was running scarce. “I’ll be home later, kitty. Stay out of trouble.”

The cat ignored him. After Matthew left, Hume made her way to the litter box.

Dinner was had at an Indian restaurant nearby the theater. As well, he drank a bit of the spirits in hopes of making the movie he would go see less painful.

He paid the clerk who wished him a merry Christmas. The theater was right across the street. He got on the crosswalk and made his way there.

A car hit him during his brief trek. It tossed him back a little and caused the driver to screech to a halt.

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” said the driver.

“Just call an ambulance or something,” said Matthew, grunting slightly from the pain in his left leg.

The driver called 911 and told them where to come. After hanging up, he looked at Matthew again.

“Wow, you’re certainly braver than me.”

“Why is that?”

“Because your tibia is poking out.”

“What?” Matthew looked down at his leg. Shortly afterwards, he passed out.

He awoke some time later in the hospital bed. His leg bore a bright, white cast and sat elevated above his chest. His father stood at the bedside next to the doctor.

“He’s awake.”

“You had a nasty run-in, son.” His father’s moustache was thick and unkempt, contrasting his neat, orderly, and balding forehead.

“Hello, Dad.”

“Hello, Matthew. Mom wanted me to check to see if you were all right. Dr. Green called us as soon as he found out.”

Matthew looked over at the doctor. It was his childhood doctor, Dr. Green. He was yet another set of eyes and ears for Matthew’s mother.

“Well, I’ll leave you to get your rest.”

“Thanks, Dad.” Matthew’s voice was wheezy from a parched throat. He found a glass of water on the table near his bed, and he took a sip.

Dr. Green still stood there. “I did not tell your mother you were inebriated.”

“What?”

“She does not know. Don’t worry.” He left the room.

When Matthew was feeling good enough to leave the hospital, Sofia arrived.

“Matthew, I’m so sorry. Are you all right?”

“My leg’s broken, but I’m fine otherwise.”

“That’s good. That’s so good.” She kissed him on the forehead as she helped him out of the bed. “I’m sorry I’m late. They made me stay in the waiting room for an hour because only family were allowed to visit. They said that if I was your fiancée I could come in as well. But, I didn’t want to lie.” There was a moment of awkward silence.

“Now, let’s get out of here.”

He paid the woman at the front desk for his stay at the hospital. Sofia helped his down the stairs as they made their way to her tiny foreign car. Matthew had to sit in the back seat, because he would not fit in the car any other way.

“One Driving Miss Daisy joke, one, and you’re hobbling home.”

“You’re just saying that to be hateful!” Matthew said, imitating the voice of Jessica Tandy.

She screeched the car to a halt and turned to glare at him.

She glared for a good, solid minute before erupting into laughter.

“You know I love you.” She resumed driving.

While driving, she noticed something:

“Matthew! It’s snowing! Look at all the snow!”

Matthew looked out the window and saw a series of very large snowflakes falling from the sky. “Be careful. The roads might get slippery. I don’t want to return to that hospital just this soon.”

“Don’t worry, I’m being care—SHIT!” just then, a deer ran in front of the car. Sofia managed to clip its back leg, but lost control of her car. They pummeled into Matthew’s mailbox. The deer, on the other hand, tripped over the ridge leading to Matthew’s lawn. It somersaulted forward, and landed squarely on its head, cracking its neck. There it laid, paralyzed or dead.

Once Sofia regained her composure, she looked at Matthew. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s get you inside,” she said.

They walked past the deer carcass. “I’ll call someone about that.”

When they opened the door, they were treated to Hume writhing on the floor by her supper dish.

“You crybaby, I was only gone for a little while,” said Matthew as he hobbled over to the kitchen to open a fresh can of cat food. Hume stood from the ground bearing new life and new vitality at the mere thought of a delicious, canned meal.

She daintily ate the food placed in her dish. Meanwhile, Matthew hobbled to his couch to sit. Sofia was already watching television, which had an emergency weather report of some kind.

“And we caution you to stay inside right now, for the weather is making for dangerous driving conditions,” said the voice on the television.

“I guess I’ll have to stay here for the night,” said Sofia to Matthew.

“We can spend all of Christmas Eve together, then.”

The phone rang. He hobbled over to answer it. It was his mother. She wanted to make sure he was all right and was back from the hospital, as well as every other question she could think of off the top of her head. While he answered her questions with a yes or a no, or some terse phrase depending on the question, Hume started to relentlessly sniff his new cast. He tried to coax her over so he could scratch her head, but she was too intent on the cast.

After his mother bid him well, he put the phone away and returned to the couch. “There’s no escaping that woman.”

“I read somewhere that you end up treating your girlfriend the same way you treat your mother.”

“That statement was probably written by an unreasonable mother who wanted to scare her sane son’s naïve girlfriend into not ripping apart the apron strings.”

She nodded, smiling. “Besides, it’s kinda Oedipal, and that’s yucky.”

After the current television channel made it clear that it would only talk about the snow and cold weather, they found something else to watch, funny stuff. They watched television until they both ended up falling asleep, cradled in one another’s arms.

The morning light awakened Matthew. As well, he had a cat sitting on his chest, staring into his face. Sofia was already awake, showering, getting ready for the day.

Matthew cleared the gifts from the table and began making breakfast for the both of them. He fried some eggs, browned some potatoes, crisped some bacon, toasted some bread, he sat at the table awaiting her return.

Se came out, wearing one of his t-shirts and a pair of his pajama bottoms. She was toweling her hair.

“All I gotta say is, damn, I’m glad I brought your gift with me. I’d hate to have to drive through this weather to get it.”

“I made us breakfast.”

“Oh, how sweet.” She walked over to kiss him, but stopped short. “Your breath stinks.”

“Sorry, I just woke up.”

“It’s all right. I’ll kiss you after you’ve brushed.”

They enjoyed breakfast, munching and crunching happily on the foods.

“I just realized something,” said Matthew.

“What?” said Sofia with a mouthful of food.

“I never called anyone about the deer.”

“I’m sure it’s still fresh, it’s probably under like 20 feet of snow.”

“I meant to see if it was all right.”

“Oh,” she said, cramming toast into her mouth. “I think it’s dead by now.”

“Really?” said Matthew, a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

“Yes, really,” said Sofia, staring innocently at Matthew.

“I should call someone to get rid of it, though.”

“The snow’s too deep. The roads are horrible, and I had to dig a tunnel to my car to get stuff out of it. Literally. No one’s gonna get that deer today.” She finished her bacon. “Now you get cleaned up, and then let’s start celebrating Christmas Eve.”

Because they were snowed in, there really wasn’t much they could do. They spent the day watching television, watching movies, playing board games, teasing the cat, and having a regularly fun time.

The day went on, and the snow began to melt. However, it was still pretty deep, making it greatly difficult to leave the house from the ground floor.

The sun went down, and they felt compelled to give their gifts to one another. Sofia went first. She handed Matthew an envelope.

He opened it, reading the card within. It said that Sofia had named a star after him, and told him how to find it in the night sky. She handed him a box as well. Matthew opened it to find a telescope packed within.

“Now you can have your star and see it too,” she said, smiling at Matthew.

The telescope was by no means a cheap looking one. Matthew supposed that this put her back a bit in her finances.

“Let’s go on the roof and try to find it. It’s a splendidly dark night,” she said.

They couldn’t get out of the house through the front door, unless they wanted to follow the tunnel to Sofia’s buried car. Thus, they went through the attic to get on the roof. She read off the directions for finding the star as he set up the telescope to find it.

“I think I found it,” he said, letting her look through the eyepiece.

“It’s beautiful, Matthew.”

“Does this mean I own the star now?”

“I think so, as well as the associated planets. Hey, what if one of them is inhabited?”

“So, like the god of some weird alien race.”

“Yeah. We should go visit them sometime. It’ll only take about a million years to get there, that way if they’re not sentient now, they will be when we arrive.”

With a sudden flash, the sky was filled with a bright flash, which soon vanished. Matthew looked up at the sky when his eyes stopped hurting.

“It’s gone.”

“What?”

“My star. It’s gone.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think it went supernova. It must have done so quite some time ago if we’re only seeing it now.” He felt a moment of sorrow for his imaginary planet of sentient beings.

“There’s still something there, though,” said Sofia, looking through the telescope.

“What?”

“It’s pretty.”

He looked through the eye of the telescope to see a colorful, yet dimmer spot in the night sky. It looked nice, even if it probably was turning into a giant black hole or something, sucking all those sentient creatures into its maw. It looked harmless from here.

“It is pretty.”

The moment felt right for his gift.

“Sofia,” he said, “I’ve known you for a long time, and I’ve come to love you.” He handed her something the size of a shoebox. “And I thought that this evening would be the perfect evening to declare my love for you.” She opened the wrapped shoebox to find a smaller box wrapped within. His heart began to beat harder and harder. “What I’m trying to say is: Sofia…” the box was unwrapped, she cracked the lid, “will you mar…”

“What the hell is this?” she said.

“What?”

“You get me an empty ring box and expect me not to freak?” She held the box out to him; he opened it to see that it was empty.

“I swear there was a ring in here when I bought it, and when I wrapped it.”

“So it just up an vanishes, then? It’s Schrödinger’s ring, is it?”

“No, I think it’s just been misplaced. We can go look for it.”

Sofia took a few deep breaths. “Okay. We’ll go look for it. I’m sorry. I thought you were just being a bastard for a moment there.

“It’s all right.”

“Do you really want to marry me?”

“Of course.”

A tear shined on her eye. “Thank you,” she said, hugging him. She gave him a kiss on the cheek. “You’ve made me very happy.”

They went through the window, bringing in the telescope.

While climbing down the steps, Matthew heard the phone ring. He jumped down the rest of the way, landing on his good leg, though still feeling a slight jolt. He hobbled to the phone to answer it.

“I swear, if that’s your mother, I’m convinced she’s trying to kill you.”

“Hello?”

“Hello,” said the voice on the other end, “this is Doctor Green. I just got back the results of your MRI, and I think I can explain the headaches.”

“Migranes, right?”

The voice on the other end sighed. “Normally, I like to do this in person, but with all the weather we’re having I doubt anyone’s got the kishkes to get out and over here. We found a dark spot with the scan, and we think it might be malignant. We want you to come in as soon as you can. How’s tomorrow?”

“That’s Christmas, Dr. Green.”

“Oy, my apologies, you mother would kill me if I prevented you from attending her annual Christmas festivities.”

“I was more concerned about the office being open.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. Hey, want to come by on Boxing Day, then?”

“Very well.”

“I’ll pencil you in for one in the afternoon.”

“Thank you, Dr. Green.”

“No problem, have happy holidays.”

“Happy Chanukah to you.”

“That was weeks ago, bye.” Click.

Matthew found Sofia listening from just outside the room. She saw the look on Matthew’s face and knew immediately what was wrong.

“It’s bad, isn’t it?”

He nodded. She approached him and gave him a fiercely tight hug.

“We can get through this.” She began to cry. He just held her.

The next morning was placid. The roads were all clear, but the snow was still white. Matthew and Sofia worked at freeing her car. They could see the top of it through the snow. They worked for an hour or so, and forged a clear path from the car to the road.

“Are you ready to face my parents?”

“As ready as you are.”

“We probably shouldn’t mention the brain thing.”

“Your mother probably already knows. I bet Green called her first.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me.”

Sofia drove, Matthew sat in the back, and the small pile of gifts for the families sat in the passenger seat, right under the cat, who was sitting upon them with much regality.

They made it to the house all right. Matthew’s father greeted them. He was burning a fire currently, heating the house the old fashioned way. When he wasn’t looking, Matthew’s mother would crank the heat a little bit.

Not a word was said about the doctor’s call, though Matthew could tell that his mother and father already knew.

They gave their presents to each other. Teddy was thrilled and excited about the new video game. He ran into the living room to play it. Matthew’s father enjoyed the movie, and his mother enjoyed the book. She placed it on her bookshelf, which contained only books of that type.

The pets even enjoyed their presents, and so did everyone else, as it kept the dog from chasing the cat around and making a giant fuss.

They all gathered in the living room for some hot cocoa before they would have some dinner. Matthew snuggled up to Sofia while they sipped their cocoa. Matthew’s father asked him how work was going, and such.

Matthew’s mother made a loose comment, “Better not get too close, dear, he might ask you to marry him!”

“He already has,” she said in response.

A mug shattered on the floor. Matthew looked to see where it was: his mother’s feet. She was lo longer holding a mug.

“And when, Matthew Jameson Waine, were you planning on telling me that you were considering getting married to this girl?”

“How about now?” he suggested.

Matthew’s mother left the room suddenly. He thought that he could hear her weeping in the far part of the house. His father put his hand on Matthew’s shoulder. “We’re very proud of you, son. It’s just that your mother tends to like to be in the know about important things. She’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

Teddy was oblivious to everything, and was currently engrossed in attacking a hot dog vendor with a chainsaw. The simulated blood and gore, complete with the screams added an unfamiliar element to the soft jazz renditions of popular Christmas songs being piped through the house speakers.

Dinner was quiet. His mother was simply not her usual self, she was quiet.

His father said that he would try to talk to her, so after dinner he took her off into a far room and he tried to get her back to her usual self.

Sofia’s cell phone rang. It was her parents in California. She stepped into the foyer and talked with them. Matthew hobbled into the living room, scooping up the cat as he went along. She mewed at him.

“What’s the matter, girl? Gotta go potty?”

He carried her into the laundry room, where his parents kept a litter box. They had  trained the dog to use it, so he would not need to go outside all that often, since when dogs went outside, they tended to get muddy, dirty and covered in ticks and burrs.

He set the cat down, and she sniffed about for a while, then did her business, though did so noisily.

Matthew looked down at her, and saw, right behind her, the diamond ring, sitting among fully digested bits of cat food.

“You are quite a piece of work, aren’t you?”

She looked up at him and mewed.

He found a box of latex gloves (easier than washings hands after cleaning the litter box), and fished the ring from the box. He ran some very, very hot water in the utility sink, and mixed in some antibacterial hand soap. He rinsed the ring off, and then worked at thoroughly scrubbing it clean. He tossed the glove in the trash.

Finally, he dried the ring off on a nearby towel. He picked up Hume and the ring and made his way to the foyer. En route, he was stopped by his brother.

“Did Santa give you anything for Christmas?”

Matthew contemplated this for a moment. He considered telling his brother that Santa did not exist, and had been a lie his entire life, not to mention that it was really his parents who did the gift-giving, and the milk and cookie consumption. He considered this strongly, but did not say it.

“Brain tumor,” he finally said.

“Is that a video game?”

“You’ll understand later. I have something I have to do.” He passed the cat into Teddy’s arms and hobbled his way into the foyer. En route, he noticed a newspaper on the counter in the kitchen. The headline read “A.L. Prestwich & Sons files for bankruptcy; will close doors permanently.”

There went his stock portfolio. He pressed on.

Sofia was facing the door, talking on her cell phone.

“No, I can’t wait to see you guys either. I do write. Are you guys checking your e-mail? Oh, that’s why.”

He tapped her on the shoulder. She turned to face him. He figured he’d skip the part about it being sitting in a pile of cat defecation (he did clean it thoroughly). “Look what I found,” he whispered, holding the ring to her eyes.

She stopped speaking into the phone. Matthew could hear her mother saying, “Hello? Sofia? Are you there?”

She snapped back to reality. “Y-yes, Mother. I’m here. I’m sorry. I just was distracted by something. My boyfriend just asked me to marry him.”

Matthew heard her mother’s muffled voice.

“I thought you knew I had a boyfriend. I’m sure I mentioned it some time. Now, Mother, this isn’t the best time to mentione that. Listen, can we discuss this later? Okay, bye. Love you. Tell Dad that I love him.”

“I read somewhere that you end up treating your boyfriend the same way you treat your father.”

She put the phone back in her purse. “Can we make a deal?”

“Okay.”

“No matter what happens, I will not be Electra, and you will not be Oedipus.”

“I can get behind that.”

He hugged her in the foyer. As he held her, he heard his parents yelling at one another, the sadistic screams of his brother’s video game, and the hisses and barks of the dog and cat fighting with each other. He felt a slight headache as the thing in his head pressed against the side of his brain, added to the pain shooting down his lower leg. He was much poorer, having put a lot of money in his stocks; dinner wasn’t setting with him, giving him heartburn, and he realized he still had a dead deer in his front lawn. Aside from that, it wasn’t such a bad Christmas after all.