A Time Traveller in the Family

Barry stopped his car outside of Alba’s house. He took a deep breath before leaving the car. He had a feeling that today would have its fair share of hiccups. 

He knocked on her door. A few moments later she opened the door. Her face was all smiles and she wore the flowery dress that Barry said he had liked at one point. “You’re a bit early,” she said.

“It runs in my family,” he said. He gave her his best smile. “Are you ready?”

“Are you?” she said. She grabbed her purse and a shawl and followed him to the car. He opened the passenger door for her.

“I guess I am,” he said, once they were both seated and buckled in. 

“You’re what?” she said.

“Ready. You know,” he said. “It’s not every day you meet my family for the first time.” He chuckled.

“Relax, Barry,” she said. “Everybody’s family is a little weird. It’s part of their charm.”

“You’re right,” he said after another breath. “Well, let’s get going then.”

They drove on for a while in silence, until Alba said something: “Tell me a bit about them,” she said.

“Well,” said Barry. “I have five brothers and one sister. John is a professional driver.”

“Like a chauffeur?”

“No, like a sports car. He races. Wilmont teaches history.”

“What grade?”

“College. Niles owns a few restaurants. Bently and Croft run a dotcom together, and Angela is a social media influencer, whatever that is.”

Alba nodded. “That doesn’t sound too terrible or embarrassing,” she said.

“I haven’t gotten to my parents,” he said.

“Go on, then,” she said.

“Dad is a retired executive banker, and mom was a big game hunter, at least until the elephants settled the score.”

“How did they do that?”

“You’ll notice that she has a wooden leg,” Barry said. “The best thing is to pretend not to notice it, or you’ll be introduced to the ‘Trophy Room.’”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” she said. “A little bit of color, but nothing downright embarrassing.

“I have cousins,” he said. “Joey’s been in and out of prison a few times, but has since found a good job as a youth pastor. And Marcie has her cats. And Joanie, did you know that she walked across Niagara Falls on a tightrope once?”

“Oh, my,” said Alba. “That sounds interesting. Anybody else?”

Barry took another breath. “Well, there is one more cousin.”

“Yeah?” she said.

“I can’t remember his name exactly. Everybody just calls him Prof, you know, short for Professor. He, well, he’s…”

“What?”

“He’s rather embarrassing,” said Barry.

“How so?”

“He’s a time traveller.”

“How is that embarrassing?”

“You’ll see.” They drove on the rest of the way in relative silence, broken only by Alba pointing out a funny billboard or a restaurant she wondered was Niles’.

He pulled the car in front of his parents’ house. He gave his palms a quick wipe on the sides of his pants. “Here we are,” he said.

“Are you ready?” she said.

“As ready as any of us can be.”

He got out of the car before walking around to open the door for Alba. She handed him a wrapped present from the back seat.

“Thanks,” he said. He looked up and down the street. Rows of cars lined the side of the road, including John’s decalled racer. Barry wondered how he managed to get that here, as he was certain it wasn’t entirely street legal. A quick scan up and down the road showed that Prof hadn’t shown up.

“You’d think by all the other cars that we’re late,” Alba said, taking a look at her watch. “We’re almost 15 minutes early, though.”

“What did I tell you?” said Barry. “It’s a family curse.”

They stepped up to the door. Barry rang the bell. A chorus of bells from some carillon chimed from within. A rhythmic clopping sounded from behind the door until an imposing woman wearing an eyepatch flung open the door. “Barry!” she said, pulling him into a bone-cracking embrace.

“Hello, mom,” he said. “This is Alba.”

Barry’s mom released her sone before taking Alba’s hand in her own. “Pleased to meet you dear,” she said. “Now, come on in. Dad’s about to toss the meat on the grill.”

She took the present for the gift table, setting it among others before clomping off to tell everybody that Barry had arrived. Barry led Alba down the hallway, past a gauntlet of taxidermied animal heads.

“You didn’t say anything about an eyepatch,” said Alba.

“I need to have a few surprises,” he said with a wink.

They stepped around the corner. Alba looked back. “Hey, was that last head a…”

“Barry!” said several voices in unison.

“Hey, guys,” he said. “This is Alba. Alba, this is my family.”

Alba saw the people in the room: John wearing his racing gear, Wilmont wearing a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches, Niles wearing a black apron and matching toque, Bently and Croft wearing shorts and t-shirts with obscure nerd references on them, and Angela taking a selfie by the cake. Joey wore a long-sleeved t-shirt with a Bible verse on it and jeans with holes in the knees. His exposed arms showed green tattoos up the length of both of them. Marcie carried a large cat in her arms, and Joanie carried a balancing pole.

“Pleased to meet you all,” she said.

“Where’s dad?” asked Barry.

“He’s out back,” said Niles. “Wants to try to cook the meat on his own. Come on. Maybe you can talk some sense into him.”

Niles led Barry toward the back yard, past more of mom’s lesser trophies. Alba followed after.

Barry’s dad stood over a massive grill. A pile of charcoal lined the bottom. He wore a transparent green visor and a monocle. On his chest, he wore a black vest and a string tie. His moustache was starting to droop, a sign that he was deep in thought.

“Dad,” said Niles.

Barry’s dad looked up. “I told you for the last time, I don’t need any help,” he said. “Oh, hi, Barry!” he said.

“Hi, dad,” said Barry. “This is Alba.”

Barry’s dad stepped away from the grill. “Pleased to meet you,” he said, holding out his hand to the woman. She accepted it.

“Barry tells me you were a successful banker,” she said.

“That barely scratches the surface,” he said. “Let me tell you about the time I single-handedly held off a depression.” He led her over to the covered patio where he offered her a glass of lemonade. “Fascinating, really,” he said. Alba gave a look over to Barry and Niles.

“She’s good at providing a distraction,” said Niles. “I approve.” He got to work lighting the grill. “The kids want to see you, by the way. They’re in the basement.”

“Oh,” said Barry.

“You’re their favorite uncle,” said Niles. “I have no idea why. Kids’ll put ketchup on anything.”

Barry took a breath. “You think she’ll be fine out here with dad?” he asked. 

Niles picked up a large knife and began to cut through some of the meat. “I’ll keep an eye on them.”

Barry nodded. He made his way back inside. He picked a cat off the gift table and handed it to Marcie as he made his way to the basement. “Has the Prof arrived yet?” he said in his most casual of voices.

“No,” she said. “You know him. Probably freeing some planet from intergalactic warlords or something. The kids are waiting for you.”

“Don’t remind me,” said Barry. He made his way to the basement. He opened the top door and stepped down its many steps. At the end was another door, making the stairway down a self-contained hallway. At one point, the basement had looked like EPCOT’s World Showcase, but generations of children moving things here and there later, it looked like a bad example of what an uncultured person might think of when asked to describe something “foreign.”

Barry took a breath before opening the door. Standing around the door were the kids. Some held foam bats, others held cats, and a few of them were climbing over some of the less impressive stuffed ungulates his mother had stuck down here. “Hey, kids,” said Barry in his most avuncular voice.

“Uncle Barry!” they all said as one. Soon, he was covered in children. He tried to emerge from the sea of youth, but was pulled under. Several moments later, once they had returned his bodily autonomy, Barry stood.

“Yes,” he said. “Nice to see you too. Does anybody want a chocolate?” He pulled a bag of chocolates from his jacket pocket and gave it a little shake.

After emerging from the resulting influx of children, he stood up, brushed himself off, and did his best to put some of the tikis back in their correct location. “How is everybody?” he said.

“Great!” they all said.

Barry looked at his watch. “Well,” he said. “It looks like the party’s about to start. Who’s excited?”

Every child raised his or her hand, including some of the smaller ones raising both hands. One of the kids was holding a spider monkey wearing a diaper, and that too held up its hand.

“After lunch,” said Barry. “We can have a footrace in the yard,” he said. “But only for those who eat their entire meals.” The children cheered. Barry moved a wooden mask from Antarctica, returning it to its proper place in Africa. “After lunch, then,” he said. He backed toward the door, opening it before slipping out through it.

After a moment, he stepped through the door again. “Oops,” he said, “laundry room.” He found the correct door and made his way through.

Back upstairs, the living room was empty. He looked through the back window. Niles stood there alone, studying the coals like they had the meaning of existence written upon them. Dad and Alba were no longer there.

A cat meowed at him. He walked toward it before scooping it up. He heard everybody talking near the front of the house. Carrying the cat, he stepped out onto the front porch. Everybody other than his brother and the children stood by the street looking up at the sky. The sky was purple, and the orange clouds that decorated it were beginning to swirl together, almost like a tornado, but with a bit more class and whimsy.

Something in the sky roared a bit like thunder, and with a blast of glittery lightning that set off at least one of the car alarms, a shape emerged from the greenish mist swirling up from the ground.

“A confessional?” said Barry. The cat he held meowed. In the previously vacant parking spot stood what appeared to be a wooden confessional. When the smoke had cleared, a head popped out from the penitent side. It was a woman. “All clear, Prof,” she said with a somewhat heavy Welsh accent.

“Thanks, Ffion,” said another voice. From the priest side emerged a man. He wore the basic priest outfit, complete with a wide-brimmed cappello romano. However, in place of any sort of rosary around his neck was instead the longest and most colorful infinity scarf Barry had ever seen, complete with an analogue clock hanging from the front. He stepped out of his compartment and offered his hand to the woman. She took it before stepping out onto the street. She wore an argyle patterned dress, though Barry noticed that the pattern stayed the same no matter how she moved, as if it had a fixed background, and she was just acting as a window to some argyle dimension. She looked around, taking in the people standing there.

The man held up a pair of opera glasses, looking around at everybody. Once he recognized them, he put away the glasses. “Sorry I’m late,” he said with an ironic grin.

Everybody, except Barry, laughed.

The woman stepped up beside the Professor. “Well, Prof,” she said, “aren’t you going to make an introduction?”

The Professor shook his head. “Where are my manners?” he said. He removed his hat. “Everybody,” he said. “This is Ffion. Ffion, this is everybody.”

“Hello,” said everybody.

“Charmed, I’m sure,” said Ffion. “What about names, dear?” she said, giving the Professor an elbow to the ribs.

“Oh, of course. Let’s see. There’s my cousins John, Wilmot, Bentley, Croft, and Angela. I assume Niles is in the back making a sacrifice to the Ba’al Becue (at this another laugh), Joey, Joanie, and Marcie. The one holding Katje is Barry. The two slightly older folks are my great (but not Great-) aunt and uncle. It’s his birthday today, after all.” With that he looked at his bulky watch for a second. It looked like it housed all manner of temporal and terrestrial measurement devices. “Yes, today definitely. The kids are where kids are likely to be, the basement, and the cats are everywhere else.” He stepped up to Alba. “And this one,” he said, taking her hand in his and giving it a kiss, “is Alba. She came with Barry.”

Alba smiled. “We’ve never met,” she said. “How did you know who I am?”

The Professor winked and tapped the side of his nose. “While this is the first time you’ve met me, it’s not the first time I’ve met you, my dear.”

Barry rolled his eyes.

“It was nice meeting you all,” said Ffion. “I’m sure we’ll all get a chance to know more about each other.”

“Come on in, Prof,” said Barry’s mom. “I can show your little friend my Wales collection.”

The Professor gave a wholehearted laugh. “Of course, but how about after lunch?”

They all began to file in. Barry stepped up to Alba, trailing behind everybody. “See what I mean?” he said.

“He’s not so bad,” said Alba. She took the cat from Barry and gave it a few pets on the head.

“‘Sorry I’m late,’” Barry said. “He’s a time traveller. He can literally never be late to anything.”

“That’s why it’s funny,” she said to him. “Come on, don’t let him dampen your mood. I think that you’re much more entertaining than any old time traveller.”

“You mean that?” Barry said. He was beginning to smile.

“Of course. What does he have that you don’t?”

Barry glanced back. “A time-travelling confessional.”

“I mean, deep down, inside.”

“A sense of humor, apparently.”

Alba smiled. “You have one of those too. Come on. I think lunch is ready. I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.”

They went into the house. Alba set the cat down on the gift table. Niles was carrying in a tray of assorted grilled meats and vegetables. “Lunch is ready,” he announced.

Everybody found a place at the table, with the children all swarming into the adjacent dining room annex to sit at the kids’ table. The Professor had removed his hat, and it now sat upon the head of the stuffed bear in the hall. 

“Great food as always,” said the Professor. “And I should know. My future and past selves can all attest.” Everybody chuckled, except Barry.

They ate their food, with the Professor giving falsely modest accounts of his latest adventures across time, and, yes, space. Half way through his explanation about how he negotiated peace between the Mandelbrots and the Cartesians, Barry just tuned him out, pouring himself a second glass of wine.

After the meal was the cake and presents. Bentley and Croft carried the cake to the table with an innumerable number of candle aflame on the top. “Should we sing ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow,’ or is ‘Happy Birthday’ in the public domain finally?” asked the Professor. Once again, he consulted his watch. “Definitely in the public domain.” He then led everybody in a rousing round of “Happy Birthday,” complete with the Godelian language equivalent, which as fate would have it, had the same meter and rhythm, but sufficiently more guttural sounds.

“It’s a great song to sing with a head cold,” he said. Everybody (but Barry) laughed at this.

Barry’s dad blew out the candles in a systematic, yet efficient way, extinguishing the entire thing in a single breath. Everybody applauded.

Nigel began to slice the cake, putting smaller pieces on the kid-sized plates. As the cake was being passed around, the Professor began to ding his glass with the dessert fork.

“I hope it’s not considered forward of me,” he said. “But I thought that in addition to the customary gift to my most wonderful of uncles, I’ve also brought a little gift for everybody else. Including,” he said, leaning his head toward the dining room annex, “the kids, and,” he said leaning toward Marcie, “the cats.” He stood from his seat and removed the hat from the bear. One by one, he pulled gifts from the hat in an almost endless supply. Soon, everybody, including the kids and cats, had a small parcel before them, with the largest before Barry’s dad. Everybody opened their presents. “It’s hard to find the right gifts for kids and cats,” said the Professor. “So, I just got each of them a Cantorian nitrogen beetle.” He thought about this for a moment. “They’re fairly territorial, and highly flammable, so keep them away from each other and away from open flames.” One of the beetles popped in a fiery burst. “And that happens sometimes.” He chuckled.

Alba opened her present, pulling out a diamond necklace. Barry opened his and pulled out a purple infinity scarf. “Like mine, only purple. That’s your favorite color, right?” said the Professor.

Barry sighed. “Actually, it’s my least favorite color,” he said, but by the time he said it everybody’s attention was on the elephant gun Barry’s mother was pulling out of her present. 

“Strong enough to take down a Hawking whalephant,” said the Professor.

“We’ll see about that,” said Barry’s mother.

It seemed, to Barry, that everybody else got something suited to them perfectly. He looked at his own gift and wondered if the Professor was singling him out or something.

“It’s perfect,” said Barry’s dad, pulling a vintage adding machine out of his present. “Where ever did you find it?” 

“More like ‘when.’ Let’s just say that old Blase owed me one,” said the Professor. 

Barry scowled. “Excuse me,” he said. He stood up from the table, his cake untouched, and went into the other room.

Alba also excused herself and followed after Barry. She caught up to him by the front door.

“What’s the matter, Barry?” she said.

Barry held up the scarf. “Everything,” he said. “I feel like he’s showboating his status as a time traveller, getting fancy things for everybody that the rest of us couldn’t even dream of getting, even if we had a lifetime to get it.”

“He is a bit of a pompous ass,” said Alba.

Barry looked up at her, grinning. “You mean that?”

“Yes,” she said. “I mean, a diamond necklace? That’s the most basic gift one could give somebody, especially considering how common diamonds are throughout the universe.”

“That’s true,” said Barry. “He probably chipped it away from that diamond planet you hear about, or went to the end of the universe, after all known matter compressed into a singularity before the next Big Bang, and put that in the necklace or something, causing untold damage to future realities.”

Alba looked at the necklace. “You think he really did that?”

Barry chuckled. “No. That would have taken a little more thought on his part.”

“Is that something you’d do for me?” she asked.

Barry shrugged. “Well, it depends on what sort of civilizations the next universe would have. If they were all like the Prof, then in a heartbeat.”

Alba took the scarf from Barry. “Purple doesn’t do you justice,” she said. 

“I don’t think it does anybody any justice, except maybe the snails who secrete the purple dye in the first place.”

She handed him back the scarf, and their hands touched. He didn’t pull away.

The chubby welsh girl appeared from around the corner. “Oh, there you are,” she said., “The old man’s about to open your present, and he wanted to make sure you were done in the loo.”

“Thanks,” said Barry. “Ffion, was it?”

“Yeah,” she said.

“What do you think of Prof?”

“Oh, he’s a dreamy sort,” she said. “With all his whiz-bang science talk. But, between the three of us,” she said, leaning in towards them, “sometimes he can be a bit of an arse, if you know what I mean.”

“We do,” said Alba. 

“I found him!” said Ffion. Barry’s dad held the present Barry had brought.

“Go ahead,” said Barry, returning to his seat.

Barry’s dad opened the box and pulled a picture frame from within. “Oh,” he said. His hand shook a little.

“What is it?” asked his mom. Barry’s dad rotated the frame so that everybody could see. Side by side were two pictures. One of his dad standing outside his new office with “Vice President” written on the door above his last name. Beside that another picture of Barry standing beside the very same door with the very same words upon it.

“I got that promotion,” he said. “I thought you’d like to know.”

His dad’s smile was like a permanent fixture upon his face. “Oh, my boy,” he said. He waved a finger at the rest of his children. “You all are missing out on the joys of being a banker.”

“I do media engagement for the bank,” said Angela. 

“It’s not the same,” her father and Barry said at the same time.

“That’s not all,” said Alba. “Barry and I wanted to give you a proper present as well,” she said. She pulled a rectangular parcel out of her purse and handed it to Barry’s dad. Barry wasn’t sure, but he thought it looked a little too big to have been in her purse all this time.

“I don’t see what could be better,” said Barry’s dad. “But, sure.” He opened the package. Inside as a small leather case, and within that was a wooden abacus. 

“It’s a vintage abacus from ancient China,” she said. “It’s been in my family for years, but nobody wanted to get into a profession that required one, so it’s just been passed down from parent to child. Barry and I thought it would find its place with you.”

Barry’s dad smiled. “Okay,” he said. “But on one condition.”

“What’s that?” said Barry, recovering from the surprise of what Alba had just expertly done. 

“That it continues its tradition of being passed down in your family,” he said this to Alba. “Preferably to my grandchildren.”

Alba blushed a little. “Of course,” she said. 

Barry blushed a lot.

They all finished their cake, and after the meals, the family went out into the back yard for some outside activities.

“Thanks for that,” said Barry.

“For what?” asked Alba.

“That present,” he said. “It meant as much to me as it probably did to my father.”

“That’s what friends are for,” said Alba.

“Friends?” said Barry.

Alba took his hand and gave it a squeeze. “Maybe more,” she said.

He pulled her toward him and was about to give her a kiss, when all of the children plowed into him, piling on top of him. “Foot race!” they all said at once. Barry extricated himself from the melee and brushed the last child off of him. “Okay,” he said. “Did everybody eat their vegetables?” He looked over to Alba and mouthed “Sorry.” She gave him a wink and blew him a kiss.

He raced down the grass, a mob of children chasing after him. A cat sat next to her. It meowed. She looked over it. “You’re Katje, aren’t you?” Alba said. The cat held one of the beetles in its mouth. Alba took the beetle and examined it. “Strange things,” she said. “Not like back home.”

“Where,” said the cat, “or, should I say, when, is that?”

“Shush you,” said Alba. She released the beetle into the air where it exploded much like a firework.

As one, the rest of the kids’ and cats’ beetles followed suit, flying out of their pockets and mouths, mostly respectively, and into the sky, forming beautiful patterns before exploding. Ffion stepped up next to Alba. “Jolly good show, mum,” she said.

The Professor laughed. “Indeed. I haven’t seen such mastery of the Cartesian nitrogen beetles since my interplanetary road trip with Galileo.” He put the back of his hand next to his mouth and stage whispered, “Galilei, that is.”

“Oh, it’s nothing special,” Alba said. “You just need to know how to handle them.”

The Professor’s clock beeped. “Oh my,” he said. “Would you look at the time? Come on, Ffion, we have to hurry if we’re going to help end the Vitruvian civil war!” With little more ado, he and the argyle-dressed companion bid farewell. The rest of the family gravitated back toward the front of the house, where they waved goodbye as the Professor and Ffion climbed back into the confessional. “It was fun!” he said. “See you next time!” Everybody (except Barry) laughed and the Professor shut the door. With a whirl of clouds and glittery lightning, the confessional disappeared into the timestreams.

Barry stood next to his dad. “That Prof sure is a strange number,” his dad said.

“Yeah?” said Barry.

His dad nodded. “And between the two of us, he can sure be an ass sometimes.”

Barry laughed. “Yeah.”

All of a sudden, the sky darkened once more. Barry felt the hairs on his arm and the back of his neck rise. With a crackle of electricity, the empty spot once taken by the Professor’s confessional was filled with a camper van with rocket engines. Smoke poured from around the vehicle. Everybody watched this in silence.

The passenger door flew open, and a teenage boy in a life vest popped out. “Aw, man, Prof. I don’t think we made it in time.”

From the driver’s side, a wild- and white-haired older man wearing a tie-dyed lab coat, yellow kitchen gloves, and mylar goggles hopped out. He looked at the crowd. “It looks like we’re not entirely out of luck, Paulares.” He grinned at everybody. “Sorry we’re late,” he said. “I hope you saved us a slice of cake.”

Everybody (except Barry) laughed.